Years ago, when my kids were little, they would spend an hour or so every Christmas Eve watching the NORAD Santa Tracker. You've probably heard the story behind how NORAD tracks Santa's progress through the skies every year. And indeed every year there are press releases updating the public on the current status of the Santa-tracking program.
These days I'm out of touch with the latest developments in aviation, but I'm correspondingly more interested in international standards. So today I find myself wondering, How far does Santa Claus comply with ISO 9001?
It's not an idle question. Last year an investigative reporter went to the North Pole—at least, that's what the article said—to check the operations of Claus Enterprises against OSHA's Top 10 workplace-cited standards for 2024. The results weren't pretty, though Santa himself put the best face on what he called "“an unfortunate misunderstanding," and pledged a prompt corrective action plan.
But even if safety issues have been addressed, what about Quality? Millions of children rely on Santa for presents each year. Can he really be counted on to come down all the right chimneys? Does he stand behind his work, or does he just fly away "like the down on a thistle"?
Up till now I have been unable to find an ISO 9001 certificate* for any part of Santa's operations, neither his workshop nor his delivery service. Partly the problem may be geographic: I'm not aware of any formal Certifying Body with jurisdiction over the North Pole. All the same, surely it's a good idea to do an advance check—like a pre-audit—to find which clauses need the most attention. So Santa, if you are reading this, treat it as a little free consulting, to help you get positioned.**
These, then, are some clauses of the standard where I would expect discussion in an audit:
4.1 Understanding the organization and its context
Ever since the climate change amendment last year, this clause has included the requirement, "The organization shall determine whether climate change is a relevant issue." Well if the Polar ice cap is about to melt, that sounds relevant to me! Does Santa have plans to relocate? And where?
4.2 Understanding the needs and expectations of interested parties
How often are these needs and expectations reviewed or updated? I assume that the desires of little children have been broadly similar for centuries. But what about other players in the same market? Does Santa face competition from online retailers, or has he worked out some kind of deal?
5.2.1 Establishing the quality policy
What exactly is Santa's Quality Policy? Does he strive for 100% satisfaction? We know that every year some children are disappointed; so if the policy calls for 100%, there might be a problem. And what if a gift is defective, or has to be returned? Does Santa replace it himself, or does he require the parents to do the work? (See also clause 8.4 Control of externally provided processes, products and services.)
7.5.3 Control of documented information
Children write letters to Santa from all over the world. Are those kept for future reference, in case there is some dispute over what a child really requested? And in what form? (For example, are the original letters kept on paper, or are they digitized?) If the letters are kept on paper, how are they preserved in the harsh Arctic climate?
A second topic is the retention policy: how many years is a letter kept? Santa is always said to be wise and to have a long memory; but the storage requirements for each new year's batch of letters must be enormous. Are they kept for a year? For a decade? For centuries? How are they indexed? How easily can they be retrieved?
8.2.3 Review of the requirements for products and services
There's another kind of control needed for the children's letters: regular review. Some children might request toys that are dangerous, or that are illegal in their place of residence. How is this review conducted, and how are conflicts resolved?
In addition to all the other reviews, subclause 8.2.3.1(c) requires a review of "requirements specified by the organization." Presumably this includes comparing all requests against the List of Who's Naughty and Nice. But how is that list managed and kept up to date? And how often is a naughty child really given a lump of coal instead of some other present? (I can think of children over the years that I thought had earned a lump of coal who never seemed to get one!)
8.2.4 Changes to requirements for products and services
What about children who change their minds about what they want, and who send multiple letters? Is there a tracking system to allow the second letter to be filed with the first one, or to replace it completely?
8.3.2 Design and development planning
What is the ratio of customized gifts to off-the-shelf toys? The publicity photos of Santa's Workshop look like they are mass-producing toys, but there must be a lot of specialized requests as well. How is this handled? (See also clause 8.5.2 Identification and traceability.)
8.4 Control of externally provided processes, products and services
How much of Santa's work is subcontracted to local merchants, or to parents? And on what terms? Does Santa still get all the credit, in all cases?
8.5.2 Identification and traceability
How far is lot-traceability a relevant issue? (Note that if every job were custom—see also clause 8.3.2 Design and development planning—then lot-traceability would not be a requirement.)
8.5.4 Preservation
The North Pole has a cold, harsh climate. The same is true for much of the lower atmosphere. How does Santa preserve presents in good condition, and keep them from being damaged by the harsh environment?
8.6 Release of products and services
Does Santa keep records of every gift, and are those records filed with (or cross-indexed to) the corresponding request letters? This raises some of the same questions we discussed above under clause 7.5.3 Control of documented information.
9.1.2 Customer satisfaction
What is Santa's current level of customer satisfaction? Has it been trending up or down? In case of any downward trend, has Santa chosen to implement corrective actions, and what do those look like?
9.2 Internal audit
Who does internal audits for Santa's enterprises? Are the auditors selected in a way that "ensure[s] objectivity and the impartiality of the audit process"? Is the scope of the internal audits the same as the scope of the enterprises, or are there some areas that are off-limits to the auditors? Can I see the results of the latest full audit?
9.3 Management review
Can I see the records of the latest management review? Has Santa ever introduced a major change to the operations as a result of findings in management review?
- If yes, what was it?
- If no, then is the organization really using the management review, or is it just a dog-and-pony show?
10.3 Continual improvement
Tell me about the latest continual improvement initiatives.
Having said all this, I have to admit that it would be the chance of a lifetime to audit Santa's Workshop at the North Pole. An operation with such vast scope, that has to achieve such delicate precision in its outputs, would be amazing to review.
So Santa—again—if you are reading this and want someone to do a test-audit before you call a regular Certifying Body, leave a comment on this post with your contact information and I'm sure we can work something out.
And to everyone else, have a jolly day, a delightful holiday season, and a very happy New Year!
__________
* I did find one article here that claims Santa Claus is certified to ISO 9001 and a host of other standards as well, but it offers no links to objective evidence.
** And with a little luck, giving away free consulting might be enough to move me from Naughty to Nice!
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